Sharp, I rang the doorbell. She lived in one of those older houses that had once been the elegant home of some faculty member or administrator back in the ‘20s or ‘30s, a big house with large rooms and high ceilings that had been carved up by some later owner into a bunch of smaller apartments and single rooms, and rented to students. It may have been a beautiful place once, but from the outside it sure looked like a fucking dump now: a dirty, white clapboard house with some sort of green moss starting to grow on the exterior where the water hit the building when the gutters overflowed in the spring. The roof had moss growing on it, the lawn was completely overgrown and the trees were out of control. Two of the windows in the front were broken and the steps creaked under my foot as I walked up to the front door. Before I could ring the bell, I heard her feet on the stairs behind the door. It swung open and there she was. The first thing I noticed was her hair, dyed red and pinned up. I was almost always the one who set up these all or nothing confrontations. What I'd just said to Mama, was a classic example of how I did that. There was something inside me that seemed to hate it whenever things were going well for me. It was almost like I was my own worst enemy.The situation with Brenda was bad, and I did need to do something, take some action, but it certainly didn't need to be as drastic as what I had proposed at the dinner table. I'd gone through these same situations at St. Cecelia's, a hundred times before. It always started out as something small, a contest of wills, or my deciding not to do something, something that I'd been willing to do in the past. The thing that got it going would be quickly forgotten, as it turned into an angry confrontation over who was in control of me. Always before, in these confrontations, I had been willing to pay any price, to suffer any punishment, to ensure that, in the end, I was the person in control of me.Never before.
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